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The Ridiculam: God finally speaks to Rick Santorum, tells him to knock it off

by at March 5th, 2012 1:03 PM

CAMBRIDGE, OH—Presidential candidate Rick Santorum received a divine revelation on the campaign trail last Thursday, according to a couple dozen people who were listening to him giving a speech at the First Presbyterian Church. The message? Knock it off.

Witnesses described a bright light and a rush of energy, followed by a deep booming voice that called, “Santorum … Santorum …”

It continued, “Santorum … just … knock it off, man. Like, for real. This is getting ridiculous. I mean, I can understand the whole abortion thing, maybe, but … contraceptives? How the heck am I against contraceptives? You need to read the Bible more, dude.”

Santorum was reportedly struck speechless and left the church shortly after.

This comes as a shock to many Santorum supporters, who had been certain he would win the election after he claimed God endorsed him for the presidency. Legislators promoting the personhood bill in Oklahoma stopped talking for awhile, confused, while analysts across the political spectrum scrambled to interpret and explain the new development.

“I don’t really know how he can hope to recover from this bombshell,” CNN political correspondent Andrea Boone said. “This only serves to throw confusion into the campaign as Super Tuesday approaches—one wonders what God’s real motives were in withdrawing His endorsement.”

Others, however, thought the revelation would actually help Santorum. “It cements him in the minds of the American public as a true maverick, one who is not afraid of butting heads with the Man—or in this case, the God—in order to do what is best for the country,” Fox News pundit Peter Blackwell said.

Santorum himself has not yet made a comment, though he is expected to release a statement accusing God of not being a true conservative; of leaving behind the values of honest, hardworking, God-fearing people; and of pandering to the liberal secular agenda.

This is a satirical article and is intended to be read as such. It is not meant to be taken seriously.  


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